


Private Fears in Public Places

by worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Asexual!Dan, Asexuality, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gray Asexuality, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Sexuality Crisis, Supportive Phil, aceflux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 22:51:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11724249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletonflowers/pseuds/worriedpeach
Summary: Dan doesn’t feel sexual attraction very often and that’s okay.





	Private Fears in Public Places

**Author's Note:**

  * For [auroraphilealis (thousandrosepetals)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousandrosepetals/gifts).



> I wrote this fic because it's my best friend, Elizajane's, birthday! She's the person who helped me figure out my own asexuality and I just HAD to write this fic to show my appreciation! So happy birthday Elizajane! You are honestly the best person that I have ever met and I can't imagine what my life would be like without you. In only the short year that we've known each other, you've become my support and my rock, someone that I constantly seek approval from because your approval means the world to me. I don't even think I'm able to write a story without you giving me ideas anymore! Thank you for being my friend, for being my platonic soulmate, for being my waifu. We have a connection like no one else and I'm eternally grateful to have you around. I love you elizajane, thanks for being you <3
> 
> Listen to the audiofic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q37d519CQ7U&feature=youtu.be

“Can I talk to you about something?” Dan asked as Phil parked the car and unbuckled his seatbelt. There had been something niggling in the back of his mind for the longest time, something that hadn’t originally bothered him until now. He needed to get it off his chest, needed to share his worries with someone else, needed to give himself some peace of mind.

Phil was his best friend and boyfriend of four years. He listened to Dan whenever he had issues and he always made sure that Dan was comfortable enough to share anything with him, whatever it may be. Dan had no doubt in his mind that Phil would be understanding of the situation. So why were his cheeks on fire and his heart pounding painfully hard?

Phil paused, turned to look at him. He had a questioning look in his blue eyes and it made Dan fidget under the intensity. He turned away so he could calm his racing heart. “Of course you can,” Phil promised, sitting back in his seat. “What’s on your mind?” 

 

Dan’s tongue suddenly felt too big. He didn’t know why he had thought this was a good idea in the first place. What kind of person came to their boyfriend about something like this? It was something embarrassing for him to admit, something he’d been trying to deal with for the past couple of years. As far as he knew, most people don’t have experiences like this. “I…” 

Suddenly he couldn’t get it out. He couldn’t admit it. He gulped - it felt as though he was trying to swallow a ball of cotton wool. So instead of answering, he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “Nevermind. Let’s just go into the store.” He put his hand on the door handle and pulled. The car door popped open and he went to get out, only to be stopped by a hand wrapped around his wrist, freezing him in place.

“Whatever it is, I won’t judge you,” Phil said quietly. “You know you can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to help as much as I possibly can.” 

The kind, soothing words were what made Dan sit back and close the door again, although he still kept his gaze off of his best friend. Once upon a time, he’d heard that it was easier to talk about things in the car, yet at the moment, it seemed like a big lie. Although maybe that’s because it was supposed to be easier talking when the car was actually in motion.

Still though, Dan found himself blurting out his worries before he could stop himself, probably a mixture of the nerves or the excessive amount of coffee bursting through his veins. “I don’t really enjoy sex,” he admitted, keeping his eyes on his lap. His fingernails were pressing into the skin of his leg, forming little crescent moons on his skin. He soothed the marks over with his fingers, finding that it was easier to focus on that rather than Phil’s reaction. 

Phil was silent for a moment, thoughtful. Dan could tell that he wasn’t judging him, but rather thinking of where to go from here. After a moment, he began to speak in a soft tone. “If you don’t enjoy it, then why do you do it?” he asked, genuinely curious. 

His tone of voice made Dan feel much more relaxed, like he could talk more freely and admit what was on his mind. He found himself relaxing into the seat, leaning his head against the headrest. “It’s not… It’s not like I don’t enjoy it, I suppose. Like, it feels nice. But I just don’t see the big deal, I guess? It’s nice but I don’t think I would go around actively seeking sex, you know?” He quickly found himself backtracking, his eyes wide as he realised how that sounded. He didn’t want Phil to get the wrong impression because he truly did like having sex with Phil, but he just didn’t know how he was feeling. “That’s-! It’s not like I don’t enjoy having sex with you of course, because you’re very good at sex! I just, ah, I don’t know what I’m trying to say, I’m sorry.” 

Phil let out a breath and a quiet chuckle. He put a hand on Dan’s leg, his thumb rubbing circles into Dan’s skin. Dan felt his cheeks burning bright with a blush and Phil quickly pressed a kiss to the reddened area. “Dan, I understand what you’re getting at,” he assured him. His hand slid around Dan’s shoulders, dragging him into his side. The console dug into their sides, but Dan didn’t mind. He was just happy that Phil was still holding him even after he had admitted something so horribly embarrassing. “I’ve told you this before, and I’ll tell you again. Whatever it is that you need to tell me, you can tell me. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about anything, including sex. I want us to have a healthy and consensual relationship because I love you. Nothing is going to change that. Even if you decide that you never want to have sex with me again.” 

Dan sniffed, his eyes getting watery. He dabbed at his eyes and nuzzled his head into Phil’s neck, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky. “I love you too. Thank you,” he said thickly. “This is just something that’s been bothering me a lot. Because I don’t wanna stop having sex, but I also just don’t experience sexual attraction as much as other people do, I think. I’ve never really looked at someone and thought to myself that I want to fuck them into the mattress or anything. It’s always just something that I’ve done because my partner likes doing it, and that makes me happy.” 

Phil hummed, rubbing Dan’s shoulder with a soft, warm hand. “That’s nothing to be ashamed of, Dan,” Phil told him. “I know for a fact that there are other people who feel the same as you do. So you don’t have to be embarrassed about it. I just want to make sure that you’re not having sex with me just because I want it. I want us both to want this, not just me. I want you to feel safe enough to tell me if you’re not in the mood. And like I said, if you never feel in the mood for that, then that’s okay too. I just want you to communicate with me.” 

A few tears did leak out of Dan’s eyes then. It was just… Dan had been worrying about this for such a long time, mulling over it until his head hurt, telling himself all of the pros and cons of talking to Phil. On one hand, there was the possibility that Phil would be angry and leave him, just because he didn’t have as high of a sex drive as Phil did. On the other hand, he knew that this was something he had to inform Phil of. Phil had the right to know, because it would probably upset Phil to know that Dan was doing something even if he didn’t really feel like it. 

“I just didn’t want you to be mad,” Dan said in a small voice. “Because I do want it sometimes. Seeing how much pleasure I can give you, seeing how happy it makes you… it makes me happy too. I just don’t think I experience much sexual attraction at all, or even as much sexual desire as other people do.”

“You don’t experience it at all?”

Dan shrugged. He was slowly beginning to feel more comfortable, the knowledge that Phil was being completely understanding made him want to tell Phil everything that he was feeling, because he now knew Phil wasn’t mad, wasn’t going to leave him. “I do occasionally, but it’s very faint and only in rare circumstances. Most of the time, I don’t really experience it, no.” 

Phil hummed thoughtfully. He turned his head and kissed Dan on the forehead, his lips soft and warm and so loving that more tears began to leak out of his eyes. Phil only reached up and wiped them away, fingers gentle and soothing. “I have a theory, so hear me out,” Phil began. Dan became still, but nodded anyways, trusting that Phil wouldn’t propose anything too strange. “Is it possible that you could be asexual?” 

Immediately, Dan retracted his previous statement. This was strange. There was no way he could be asexual. It’s not like he never experienced sexual attraction. He only did rarely and never very intensely. And besides, people who were asexual didn’t have sex! He had sex with Phil every other day and even kind of liked it! He snorted, shaking his head. “No. There’s no way. We have sex, Phil! And I experience sexual attraction on occasion! How would I be asexual in any way, shape, or form?” 

Phil backed away a little so he could hold Dan’s head in his hands, looking him right in the eye. He had this intense look on his face, one that made Dan’s head kind of spin. He was a tad surprised that Phil was taking this so seriously. “Dan, hear me out!” Phil exclaimed. There was an urgency to his voice that made him seem a bit excited, as if he was ecstatic to know something that Dan didn’t. “Asexuality is a spectrum, right?”

“Right,” Dan muttered.

“That means that people experience their asexuality differently, right?” Dan nodded and Phil got even more excited. Dan reckoned that if he were a dog, he would be wagging his tail so hard that his entire body wiggled too. “So we know that some people don’t experience sexual attraction until they get to know a person, and we also know that some people get so repulsed by sex that they can’t even stomach the mention of it.” Dan nodded his head, already knowing where this was going. “I read something online a few weeks ago about gray asexuality and aceflux. Have you ever heard of either of them?” 

Dan shook his head.

For some reason, Phil surged forward and kissed him right on the lips. Dan didn’t mind, in fact, he welcomed it. He always liked kissing Phil, liked the way their lips moulded together as if they were made for each other. In Dan’s mind, they were soulmates, and that was never going to change. Especially now, when Phil was being so wonderful about Dan’s inner turmoil. “So from my understanding, gray asexuality is when someone experiences sexual attraction rarely, with a very low intensity, or only under specific circumstances. If a person is aceflux, then it means that their sexual attraction varies over time where they can feel very asexual one day and not so much the next. Both are still under the asexual umbrella and yet aceflux and gray-ace people can still feel sexual attraction sometimes. And besides, just because you have sex doesn’t mean you aren’t any less asexual.” Phil paused. “If you do decide to label yourself as that, I mean. Don’t label yourself if you’re uncomfortable with that.”

Dan’s mind was spinning. He knew that asexuality was a spectrum, that it was different for everyone, but the knowledge that there was a word for what he was actually feeling… that meant the world to him. It made his chest feel lighter, made him feel as though he could finally breathe. For once, he knew that he wasn’t alone in his experiences, but it was still a lot to take in at once. “I…” he started, completely speechless. His voice wobbled a bit from the emotion and his lip quivered. 

“You’re not alone,” Phil told him, the sweetest smile on his face, and that was when Dan allowed himself to truly break down. 

Dan cried, not trying to hide it in the slightest. He’d been struggling with this topic for so long that it was unbelievable to him that Phil was so supportive, that there was a word for what he was feeling, that there was a whole entire group that knew what he was going through. He cried until the tears had dried up and he was hiccuping into Phil’s shoulder, Phil rubbing his back and whispering how proud he was of Dan into his ear. 

“Thank you,” Dan whimpered. He didn’t know what he would identify himself as, but just the knowledge that his boyfriend was so supportive, that there was nothing wrong with him, meant the world to him.

“You know I’m here for you always,” Phil told him, kissing his head. “What you’re experiencing isn’t anything to be ashamed of, and I’m going to be here for you every step of the way. Even if you never wanna have sex ever again.”

Phil was right. He shouldn’t be ashamed of himself; he should be proud of who he was, of what kind of person he’s become. Just because he viewed sex differently than many others didn’t define his worth. But now that he’d been able to share his experiences with someone, that he had someone to support him, he knew that it was going to be a hell of a lot easier to accept himself too. 

Dan really was the luckiest guy in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Lemme know what you think!  
> Listen to the audiofic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q37d519CQ7U&feature=youtu.be


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